Day Twenty-Eight: Flowers at work. Impulse plane ticket purchases. CALIFORNIA. Feather hair pictures.

Update #1: Yesterday I bought plane tickets to California. Impulsively. I spent much of last night researching and planning the trip. Here are some highlights of potentials. Most of them are musts.

Hiking in Red Rock. Vegas. Jason's Deli. Palm Springs. Condo. Aerial tram. Picnic at the top of a mountain. L.A. Trips to Newport Beach to surf. Farmer's markets. Frozen yogurt. Kayaking. Winery tours. Disneyland. Sun. Etc.

I seriously CAN'T WAIT. I have always wanted to go to Vegas. I love everything about California. It should work out well.

Update #2: I got flowers sent to me at work today. I love them. I like flowers a lot, I just hate roses or anything that's "normal." So tropical or wildflowers are fantastic. They look like this:

 Update #3: I took a picture of my new hair cut/color/feathers. Finally.

 Update #4: I want to sign up for hot yoga. I think I'm going to.

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Writing Challenge Day 28
I'm doing a 31 day writing challenge, found on the Reverb website, designed to reflect on the past year and look forward to what's to come in 2011.


Achieve. What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.
 
I want to achieve having more "me" time. Really figure out the things I love and things that are important to me. Eliminate things that are unnecessary. "Me" time could mean many things. Time to do art. Time by myself to think and journal. Time spent at the beach relaxing. Time doing yoga. Time to be spontaneous and young and impulsive. Time to buy plane tickets at random. (:

I imagine I will feel [[free]] when I achieve this.

10 things I can do/think in order to feel free:
1. Pierce my nose.
2. Wear outfits that don't match and not care what people think.
3. Leave the house without makeup.
4. Sign up for a dance class or yoga class just because I can.
5. Get rid of any people in my life that are not encouraging or supportive.
6. Sign up to do World Race. (:
7. Do random acts of kindness for people.
8. Go through old stuff and donate it or give it away.
9. Leave my phone at home for a day.
10. Stop making so many to-do lists.

Day Twenty-Seven: Greek food. Roller skating birthday parties. Team Trivia. FEATHERS.

Well. I've been slacking a bit in the postings lately. Since Thursday, I have...

-Gotten the feathers in my hair! I'll post a photo later.
-Organized a volunteer/pay it forward project for my English 3B students.
-Purchased the following: Tzatziki sauce, bruchetta, roasted pine nut hummus, stuffed grape leaves, black bean Morningstar burgers, stuffed chickpea burgers, berries, tabouli, asparagus stuffed cannelloni... maybe I am meant to be Greek? I don't know.
-Fallen on my driveway. Twice.
-Gotten stuck in my driveway for 25 minutes (even with kitty litter and Beth pushing my car ha).
-Photographed a 30th birthday party at a roller rink (with only knowing about two people there). It was such a blast.
-Played guitar (un poquito).
-Drank Milky Way Lattes from Bitterend and French Vanilla coffee from Disneyworld. (:
-Played team trivia with wonderful co-workers.
-Semi-planned our spring break trip. CALI?!

Here is a brief photo summary:

I would like to go snowboarding soon. I have never gone.... or skiing. Or snowshoeing. I need to get on that. Anyone? (:

So my friend and I decided to continue doing Reverb-type questions longer than the 30 days, and we're coming up with a list of questions to answer on a Google Doc. I love it. I love the collaboration and the fact that you have someone else who is going through the same things/prompts that you are, and you can talk about it. I like when we're both on Google Docs and writing to each other back and forth in different colors. (: But the other day, I was thinking of questions that we can add to our list of prompts. Sometimes I get in moods where I just think. And wonder. And analyze. And I can't shut my brain off. This happens especially at night ...but it happened to me the other day when I was thinking of questions. I went to brush my teeth, and I thought of at least 5. I ran downstairs to write them down. Sometimes I wish I could STOP thinking about things. Or at least pause my thinking.

I realized that I'm doing these prompts mostly just to get through them. I'm not taking the time to write something I'm proud of or something that really comes from my heart / soul. There have been maybe two days that I've written something (for these prompts) that I really liked. Maybe that's okay. Maybe I need to write some crap and get through it. Or maybe I need to make more time to write things I like. I don't know the answer to that. When I have my students do free-writing, I tell them just to keep writing and don't stop. Don't think. Then afterward, you can weed through and pull out a line or paragraph that you really like, and go from there. The key part of that is "don't stop." I get frustrated when things aren't perfect, but I don't have time to perfect everything. I guess even if I don't love the writing I'm doing, it's still good for me to write... and it doesn't matter if everything's perfect.

I can say that, but I don't believe it. I hate when I do that. I know the "right thing" to say, but it's not in conjunction with what I believe and what I feel. Ugh.

I guess the one thing to take from this is I've learned that sometimes I need to write, but unrelated to the prompts. I need to write for me. Sometimes I just need to get it down and out of my head, so my brain will stop thinking. Some days, I'll have an idea that I want to write about, but I don't have time to do that AND the prompt writing. Balance. Life is about balance. Which is another thing that I know how to say, but not really to do. Ugh. Sometimes I frustrate myself.

Another thing that I feel like I need to get out of my brain.  Things I miss the most about college:

-Working at the Writing Center. Everything about it. Helping in labs. Having weekly ESL/DSS appointments. Building relationships with frequent "customers." Giving life advice along with writing advice. Kleiner Writing Right Where You Are. Tutoring Athletic Study Tables in writing. Drop-in hours and reading all types of papers. One-on-one consulting with students and having a REAL conversation about his/her paper. Motivated students. Conducting peer workshop groups. Interviewing potential employees. Training the new staff. Planning and presenting PD sessions.
-Creative Writing classes. Classes that did not count toward my major or minor, but I took anyway. In-class workshops. Staying up late to perfect a story that I was really proud of.
-Having time to hang out with friends and study together. Cook together. Go to dances and theater shows and Peppino's and Kleiner at 2 am.
-Sitting with a friend at Panera to share writing (over coffee) that we did. On our own. In our free time. Because we wanted to. Giving feedback.
-Spanish composition courses.
-Freedom to dress and look however you want.
-Organizing poetry/fiction workshops OUTSIDE of class. At someone's apartment. With appetizers and guitars. AND OUR PROFESSOR.
-Meeting people in random places.
-Writing essays. No, I'm not kidding. But do I only like writing essays because I enjoy writing and I'm usually fairly good at it? Would I still love writing if I wasn't good at it? Probably not. This is probably how a lot of my students feel. Do I say I hate math because it doesn't come naturally to me, even though I am pretty good at it? Do we only like the things that at which we excel? Hm.
-Time to go on trips and to warm places.
-Journaling. Going different places on campus to write.
-Presenting at ECWCA/writing conferences. Researching. Putting together presentations. Collaborating.

And from that list, I'm 98% positive that I'm pursuing the best thing for me right now.


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Writing Challenge Day 27
I'm doing a 31 day writing challenge, found on the Reverb website, designed to reflect on the past year and look forward to what's to come in 2011.

Ordinary Joy. Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

Moments where I have felt ordinary joy this year:

-When a student stays after to talk to me for an hour about what college is like (because no one in his family has gone and he wasn't planning on it). The next day, he tells me he started two applications.
-When it's sunny during winter.
-Giving presents on Christmas that I spent a lot of time working on and planning.
-When I visit my family and my dog is SO excited to see me walk in the door.
-Buying something on super clearance that I have wanted for a while.
-Having time to read books (for fun) over break.
-Teaching Creative Writing. Everything about that class. Seeing such amazing improvement in students' writing.
-Spending time with people who understand my crazy need for adventure and travel.
-Deciding to buy patches from places that I've hiked so I can attach them to a daypack. (:
-Compliments from strangers.
-Planning trips/vacations or just staring at maps of the world and dreaming of places to visit.
-Cooking a new recipe (with someone... not as fun alone).
-Stargazing in the summertime.
-Good conversations with co-workers over tea.
-Having a number of people tell me they started "creating" things again partially because of me.
-Great finds at antique stores.
-When I put together an outfit that I've never worn before and REALLY feel like myself.
-Weekends in Chicago.

Day Twenty-Six. Puppy chow. Despicable Me. "Soul food." EXAMS.

We've been cooking up a storm lately at our house. Well, kind of. Yesterday we went to Wild Chef to get some delicious Hibachi (the kind that they cook in front of you). We had to catch rice in our mouths. (: I've only been to a restaurant like that a few times, and it's a lot of fun. You sit by people you don't know. It reminds me of dinners at cruises. I know that's random.


Then last night, we made puppy chow and watched Despicable Me. I didn't really watch, because I was grading English exams. It looked cute though. (: This was the end result of our kitchen after the puppy chow... haha. Note to self: don't use that burner any time soon.



Right now, I am making a Breaded Eggplant bake and watching Tabitha's Salon Takeover. (: The meal is super easy to make.

1. Cut the eggplant and dehydrate it. To dehydrate: cover each side of the slices with salt, put them in a strainer, and let it sit for about 30 minutes. This draws the excess water out and takes the bitter taste out of the eggplant.
2. Cover each slice in flour, then egg yolk, then bread crumbs.
3. Fry the slices in a pan with about 1-2 inches of oil.
4. Cover the bottom of a pan with desired sauce. I'm using a three cheese tomato-based sauce (I added artichokes). If you want, cook some noodles to go along with it.
5. Cook for about 40 minutes at 375.

We'll see how it turns out. I really need the iPhone 4, because these pictures lately are awful, and I'm too lazy to go get my DSLR camera from upstairs. Ha.

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Writing Challenge Day 26
I'm doing a 31 day writing challenge, found on the Reverb website, designed to reflect on the past year and look forward to what's to come in 2011.


Soul Food. What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul? 

 This is a weird question, because I love cooking, but I don't know if I've ever felt like a food has "touched my soul." I'm going to go with memorable foods for the past couple years.

-"poutine" in Jasper, Canada

-Mac and cheese out of a travel mug in the Tetons. That was by far the best meal we had on that entire backpacking trip.

-Farmer's market cider and berry smoothies in Chicago

-Kiwi-strawberry Shave Ice in Hawaii -- post-surfing. That made it even better.

-Olga's pizza snackers... while sitting by the lake and painting. Typical summer activity.

-Bear Paw Bakery breakfast in Canada. Oprah Winfrey goes there. (:

-Tortilla, peanut butter, and honey. Another backpacking staple.

-Adult Grilled Cheese from Marie Catrib's

-Green tea frozen yogurt in San Diego (with raspberries)

-Tortilla espanola in Bilbao, Spain

-Hazelnut coffee from Wolfgang's

-Strawberry sundaes at the "Strawberry Festival" in Plant City, FL

-Goat cheese from Electric Cheetah

-Dessert (Crema catalana) and tapa/pintxo hopping in Barcelona, Spain. I think I ate an oyster or something. Ha.

-Huckleberry ice cream in Yellowstone National Park while watching Old Faithful


I've noticed that I link food to location or people. I couldn't just tell you the food. I had to tell you the restaurant, the place I was when I ate it, or what I was doing. Certain foods remind me of certain memories. For example, if there's a food I ate on a first date with someone... usually if I eat that agan, I think of that person. Not on purpose, but I just associate certain meals with people or places. All of those foods I listed remind me of a specific person that I ate those foods with. Is that weird? Maybe. (:

Day Twenty-Five: hippies and feathers in hair. photos to describe the year.

I don't really feel like writing today.
I have lots of portfolios and exams to grade. I have 438 appointments coming up. I have to-do lists that are gigantic. It's getting hard to keep track of everything.
Hmm let's see. Good things.
-I drank chai today.
-I got some lovely and creative birthday presents from thoughtful co-workers.
-We have a half day on Thursday.
-I'm getting my hair cut/colored this weekend. I'm also getting these put in it:

Photo via Hair by Kayley Heeringa

I have been called a hippie by FOUR different people today. And that's without the feathers in my hair. :( It's fine. I'd prefer "free-spirited" or "artsy," but whatever. (:

When is Glee ever going to be new again?!

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Writing Challenge Day 25
I'm doing a 31 day writing challenge, found on the Reverb website, designed to reflect on the past year and look forward to what's to come in 2011.



Photo – Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where....

I can't pick one. How about five? (:

Some days I like to pretend like I'm a ballerina. It's really because I just love dance in general and wish I was really good at it. Along with dance, I also love weekends in Chicago visiting wonderful friends. This photo reminds me of those two things: dance and travel. Summer days when there is nothing better to do than wander around the city taking photos, buying smoothies from Farmer's Markets, and spending the evening on a rooptop looking down at the city lights below.

I like to read. And learn. I used to pretend like I wasn't very smart... I would make dumb comments and act like I didn't know things. I have learned now to own my intelligence. I take it as a huge compliment when someone tells me they think I'm smart. It makes me proud, because I know I work really hard and I love to learn. I'm not afraid of that now.

This represents the arts to me. I cannot encompass all my "art" loves in one photo, so this represents them all: photography, jewelry, sewing, painting, cooking, etc. I also really like the beach and sunsets. (:

I want a longboard. I love skateboarding and miss it lots in the winter. For some reason, it makes me feel so empowered.

This is an obvious choice. Climbing mountains. I loooveee backpacking, and this past year was filled with trips. This is one of my favorite photos of all time. It just means a lot because I know the hard work and sweat and tiredness it took to get to the top of this pass.

Day Twenty-four: red lipstick. repeat meals. 501 must-visit destinations. the middle of "not okay."

Tonight, I made the same goat cheese and asparagus tart that I made this day. It was still delicious, but I changed a few things. What I learned:
-Fresh tomatoes are way better than canned. Obviously.
-Pesto was not a good addition (I just added it to a corner. Bleh)
-Avocado was a decent addition, especially with the fresh lemon juice/oil mixture.
-Asparagus tastes much better in-season.
-I miss the fudge we made last time for dessert. Haha. /:

Today, I made an appointment to see a chiropractor/masseuse. (: I'm super nervous to go.




I also did a mini-grocery shopping round and picked up a few things. Asparagus. Milk (so I can make chai). Red lipstick. You know, the usual. This is honestly my FIRST lipstick purchase in my entire life. My friend Lindsey said that it's one of the things you have to do before you become a "real" adult. I think I'm now a "real" adult. I'm nervous to wear it... but I think I will to work tomorrow. If I keep everything else neutral, I will be just fiiiine. Right? Right? (: PS I don't always look this angry.




I'm reading this book called 501 Must-Visit Destinations. I love it. It has pictures and descriptions of places around the world and what to do/see in those places. I might try to add one or two places in some upcoming blogs. For today, I would like to go to Monet's Garden at Giverny in France. Mmhmm. Yes, please. I wouldn't mind stopping in Paris or something while I'm over there.






PS: HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my lovely BFF Amber (:


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Writing Challenge Day 24
I'm doing a 31 day writing challenge, found on the Reverb website, designed to reflect on the past year and look forward to what's to come in 2011.


Everything’s OK. What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be okay? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?



// Everything is going to be okay. (I hate this. It's cliche. It's obnoxious. It's what we say when we don't know what to say. I say it, too, but that's not what I want to hear. Just let me be upset or angry. Let me cry my eyes out. I need to be mad. Listen to me. Hug me. I do not need to hear that someday, things are going to be better. I can't fathom that when I'm hurt. I don't want to. I just need to dwell in the everything is not okay and know that it IS okay for me to be there. In everything is not okay. )

// Everything is not okay. (I like this. It's honest. It's real. Life is hard. People are confusing. I've gotten good at putting on a good "performance" of happiness and joy. We are humans. We have real emotion. Tough problems. Bad relationships. Everything is not okay most of the time. But that's okay.)

It's hard to pick out just one moment that serves as proof that everything is going to be okay.

The day you wake up and that dull ache in your heart has disappeared.
Or maybe the day you can look yourself in the mirror convinced that you are beautiful and worthy.
Or day you delete his phone number.
The day you stand up to someone who really hurt you.
The day you plan a trip halfway across the country because it's the one thing that you can look forward to: an escape.
The day you decide on grad school.
The day you realize you really mean your response to someone asking how you are ("good").
The day you trust someone to tell them about the junk in your life and know they will listen.
The day you write an angry letter to someone who hurt you... then rip it up and never show them.
The day you climb to the top of a huge mountain. Your legs are burning and shaking and sweat is dripping down your to your neck and drenching your shirt... but you reach the top and look down at where you came from and contemplate the struggle it took for you to get where you are. That's when you know everything is going to be okay. Because it always is.

I don't know what I used "you" in all those examples. "I" seemed too personal. Maybe the day I know everything is going to be okay is when I can use "I" in those statements without feeling exposed and vulnerable and awkward.



Maybe in the middle of everything is not okay isn't a bad place to be. It's what actually makes me the strongest. It builds character. It teaches me lessons. It shows me who my good friends are. It shows me who I am, by how I react to stressful situations and react when everything is not okay. It forces me to move on, whether I'm ready or not. Life goes on without us. Work doesn't care if things are "okay" or not in our lives; we're still expected to perform.

Everything is not okay is when the world is whispering to me, "Drag yourself out of bed, get ready, and smile. It's what is expected of you. It's "not okay" that you messed up so badly, or that he really hurt you, or that she said those awful things to you... but there's nothing you can do to change that. Just focus on yourself. You can only control your attitude and how you react to everything is not okay. Fine. Dwell on it for a while, but realize that you're learning something from this. Come on. Get up. Everyone's waiting. Everything will be okay."

I hate that.

Day Twenty-Three: fancy foods. catered dinners. pretty purses. new names.

So I am sitting watching "The Fashion Show" online on Bravo and eating a goat cheese + tomato + avocado + black bean omelette... thinking about how much I wish I had time to design/sew more clothes. Fashion has always intrigued me. I love Project Runway. I love spending time at fabric stores dreaming up outfits and costumes and dresses I could make. I love the "trial and error" factor of making clothing... or really, art in general. If you don't like the way something looks, you can recreate it, add to it, erase it, change it, or paint over it. I wish some things in life were that easy to change.

Friday I went to Greenwell and out downtown with some friends from high school and college for my birthday. The food was amazing. I got a breads and spreads combination: crackers, two kinds of bread, a goat cheese spread, a poblano spread, and one more that I don't remember. AND, my lovely friend Kayley got me this purse from Banana Republic:






















I love itttt. (: PS check out her blog here: http://sidewalkready.com/

Saturday we had our catered dinner with co-workers. My friend Lindsey did my makeup beforehand and I love the way it turned out. Check out her website here: http://www.lindseysmithmakeup.com/

We had so much fun at our dinner; I don't remember laughing that hard in a long time. The food was delicious. My favorite "courses" were:
-Black Truffle “Grilled Cheese” w/ Roasted Tomatoes & Rosemary
-Vegetable Wontons w/ Roasted Tomatillo Sauce
-Honey-Vanilla “Ice Cream Sandwiches” w/ Espresso Gelee

 

It was all delicious, though. I even got this birthday cake from Cathy:

It was a much needed / relaxing weekend with some great friends. // Sidenote: I wasn't planning on staying in GR on Friday night, so I didn't bring any clothes home for our dinner on Saturday. The roads were pretty bad... so I had to resort to outfit plan B. I took a dress I wore for New Year's Eve a few years ago that I left at my parents' house and added a gold braided ribbon as a belt. The ribbon was $1 from Michael's and it has been sitting in a bag at my parents' house for a while now. I was planning to use it for fabric necklaces. The dress was way too baggy without a belt, but looked okay with it (plus leggings). Phew. I was considering going to the mall to buy something new, but it worked out!


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Writing Challenge Day 23
I'm doing a 31 day writing challenge, found on the Reverb website, designed to reflect on the past year and look forward to what's to come in 2011.

New Name. Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?
 
This is a strange prompt. It's not very conducive to a lot of thinking and expanding and explaining. I like my name, but I have always thought about spelling it Alleigh. I know that's weird. But do you know any other Allies with it spelled like that? I think I would want a name that was really weird/unique. When I was younger, I wanted to be named Jordan. Now, I think I would want some kind of foreign-sounding name or unique, like Giselle or Mercedes or Teagan. Or something Spanish.

Names are interesting, because we don't get to choose them ourselves. I think some people's names don't fit their personalities. I also think quite a few people struggle with this. This prompt reminds me of the beginning of the book The House on Mango Street. The main character, Esperanza, discusses her feelings about her name: 


"In English my name means hope. In Spanish it means too many letters. It means sadness, it means waiting. It is like the number nine. A muddy color. It is the Mexican records my father plays on Sunday mornings when he is shaving, songs like sobbing...At school they say my name funny as if the syllables were made out of tin and hurt the roof of your mouth. But in Spanish my name is made out of a softer something, like silver, not quite as thick as sister's name Magdalena--which is uglier than mine. Magdalena who at least- -can come home and become Nenny. But I am always Esperanza. would like to baptize myself under a new name, a name more like the real me, the one nobody sees. Esperanza as Lisandra or Maritza or Zeze the X. Yes. Something like Zeze the X will do."

Day Twenty-Two: road trip to California. high or low expectations. travel goals.

Here's a question for you. I really want to know your answer. Which one of these is better:
Option A.) Having low expectations in order to avoid disappointment. Everything good that happens then feels like "extra" or "unexpected."
Option B.) Having high expectations // positive thinking, but sometimes you are let down by peple.

Seriously. I am definitely more of a "B" type person. I expect people to think the way I do... and when they don't, I'm disappointed. Maybe you're confused. For example, yesterday I was kind of grumpy because I didn't hear from a lot of people on my birthday that I would expect to hear from. I had these expectations that certain people would call me, but they didn't, and that made me upset. However, what if I just had low expectations, and then I would appreciate the people I did hear from? I don't think it works like that. And my question isn't really just about my birthday, but I've always wondered which is a better "outlook" to embrace.

Your thoughts?
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Writing Challenge Day 21
I'm doing a 31 day writing challenge, found on the Reverb website, designed to reflect on the past year and look forward to what's to come in 2011.


Travel. How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?

2010:
Small Trips:
-Chicago
-Weekends in Charlevoix
-Higgins Lake
-Tiger's Games in Detroit
-Mackinac

Big trips:
-Wyoming: Jackson Hole, Grand Teton National Park backpacking trip
-Montana: Glacier National Park
-Canada: Yoho National Park, Waterton National Park, Jasper National Park, Colombia Icefields, Lake Louise, Morraine Lake, Emerald Lake, etc.

I literally had to go look at my photos saved on my computer, because I felt like I went to California and Pictured Rocks this past year... but that was the year before.

2011:
Realistically: -road trip to California. I NEED this. I want to make a list of places and travel around the U.S. and see them all. We were supposed to last summer, but plans fell through for a number of reasons, and it just didn't feel like the right timing. I feel SO much more strongly about going this summer. Please come with me. I don't want to go alone (: Some of these things on my "realistically" list will be places we could stop on the way out/back. Some of these are places I've already been to, but want to go back. Some are just completely random.
-San Fransisco.
-Sacramento.
-Death Valley.
-Houston.
-Boston.
-Grand Canyon.
-Denver (again)
-Nashville. (again)
-Seattle. (again)
-Portland. (again)
-Maine. (again)
-Disney Mediterranean Cruise. Right, family? We talked about this? It's an option for this summer. That, or other parts of Canada for hiking. I vote cruise this year.

Unrealistically (at least for now):-Italy.
-France.
-Austria during Christmas.
-Lithuania.
-New Zealand.
-Ireland.
-Malta. Only because I dream about it a lot.
I mean, let's be honest. I love any form of traveling. I would not say no to a trip most places... but I especially love the history and architecture and beauty of Europe. I want to go back.

Sometimes, I just stare at maps of the world and think. A lot. About all the places there are in the world and how few of them so many people see in a lifetime. It's crazy that there are cultures with amazing traditions and awesome monuments and landscape and we only see most of them in PICTURES. Don't you just want to hop on a plane and go explore? Take a year off your life and backpack all through Europe? Fly to Miami for an extended weekend just for something different? Plan exotic trips and save your money to make them happen? I want to see how other people live. Learn their traditions. Participate in their culture. Take pictures. Maps fascinate me. I literally could sit for hours and read all the city names and imagine what those places look like, who lives there, and what it would be like to live there. And it really just makes me want to travel even more.

Day Twenty-One: birthday rant. advice to my 14-year-old self. bundt cakes.

Hi. It's my birthday.

I thought I could sneak through work today without a flood of birthday songs or messages, but somehow, my third hour knew and sang happy birthday to me (loudly) for the first part of class. It was kind of cute. Birthdays are weird when you don't see your friends and 90% of the people you see in a day don't know it's your birthday. There's no reason why they should... but sometimes you just want to tell them. Again, I don't know why. You know they're just going to be like, "Happy birthday!" and it will feel artificial; they're saying it only because you just told them. Does this happen to anyone else? Don't you want to just stand up in your office or classroom or (insert place of work here) and scream, "It's my birthday! Everybody should love me today!"
Hahaha. I would never do that. I swear I'm not needy. Now I'm just embarrassing myself. (:


I went out to dinner tonight with my family. My chef brother made me a bundt cake.

One of my students told me I "looked like I walked straight out of J Crew today." Little did she know... most of my outfit is from there. (:
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Writing Challenge Day 21
I'm doing a 31 day writing challenge, found on the Reverb website, designed to reflect on the past year and look forward to what's to come in 2011.

Future Self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?)

For the year ahead:

This confuses me. Am I giving myself advice for this year but pretending like I'm 29 and giving the advice? I don't really know what my 29-year-old self would say to me right now. Probably something like, "Stop dating stupid boys." Or maybe, "Take a year off from life and work a random, crazy job in a city on the west coast... like a the vegan food journalist/YMCA nutrition specialist that you were going to be if you didn't get this teaching job." Or, "Don't spend every waking moment planning lessons and making copies and grading so you can get 120 essays back to your students in two days. They can wait. It's fine. Do something for yourself." Or, "You should really get over needing boys to affirm that you're funny/pretty/good enough. That has to come from you." Or, "Save your money more (and don't spend it all at J Crew) so you can go on a sweet trip with your friends who love to travel. And actually plan that trip, don't just talk about it. Plan it. Go buy the plane tickets. Right now." Or, "Do something where you meet more people." Or, "Apply for the Amazing Race." Or, "Go join some crazy non-profit for a few years and promote causes that you care about and dress like a hippie and just love people... that's where your heart is, anyway."

14-year-old self:

// Bonus. This was almost exactly the same assignment I was going to give my Creative Writing class, but we ran out of time before our revisions and portfolios. Ten years ago, I was 14. These are the things I would want to tell my 14-year-old self:

-No one REALLY cares what you look like or wear after high school. Get over it now. Stop buying stuff from Abercrombie. Spend your money on more important things. No, actually... save your money.
-Appreciate your teachers. Not only appreciate them, but take time to write a thank-you note or letter explaining how they've helped you, taught you, encouraged you, or changed you. You have no idea how hard they work.
-Take a makeup lesson. Glitter eyeliner and blue eye shadow does NOT flatter the face. (:
-Be a YL student leader. I don't know why I wasn't.
-Spend more time figuring out what you want to do in your life, so you know after you graduate.
-Take dance classes! I never realized how much I loved dance until college, and now I regret not taking them earlier in my life.
-Balance your obsession with volleyball. School season + AAU in spring + fall travel leagues + 498 summer camps leaves little time for much else.
-Spend time making TRUE friends. Not friends who will date the boy you really like or talk behind your back or hide things from you.
-BE AN EXCHANGE STUDENT!!!
-Take an art class.
-Find a different job than Hungry Howie's. And cleaning office buildings. Ha.
-Don't change for anyone. Be confident in who you are. You will find someone who will love you for that. If they can't, you don't want them in your life anyway.
-Stop being nervous around boys. If you like a boy, make it obvious. Hard to get does NOT WORK.
-Additionally, don't cry over boys. It's high school. These relationships don't matterrr.
-Join more groups (in high school and college). Sleep is overrated. (This might sound ridiculous to some of you, because I definitely have a problem with over-committing. There are a few groups I wish I would have done in high school and college)
-Start learning Italian.
-The best decisions you will make will be to work at Springhill in the summers and be a YL leader during the year.
-Get more consistently plugged in with a youth group at church.
-Stop being obsessed with horses. Or maybe 14 was around the time that I stopped. I think I became obsessed with N Sync at this age.


My life. I feel some of the advice I would give my 14-year-old self is stuff that still applies to me ten years later. Especially "don't cry over boys." And "take an art/dance class."

Day Twenty: 24. to-do lists. avoiding guitar, nice boys, and cleaning my purse.

Our dinner tonight is going to be lovely. Pasta with asparagus, artichoke, tomato, spinach, (maybe) eggplant... tossed in oil. And bread. I'm excited to hang out with some lovely ladies.

Today definitely does not feel like Wednesday, since we had yesterday off. I'm glad it is. I like Wednesdays. American Idol is on tonight. I'm trying to decide if it's worth watching this season.

My birthday is tomorrow. 24 is old. I'm not too excited.
That's a lie. I am excited to see my lovely GR friends on Friday, and to have a delicious catered dinner on Saturday with some co-workers. It will be a great weekend.

I'm still sick. Dislike.

Finally, this song is seriously the story of my year.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22zB6Soc2Gk&ob=av2em
Not even just in one circumstance... but many, many circumstances this year. I know it's super sappy, and I'm not one for country-sounding songs, but I love the lyrics.

// i'm done thinking you would ever change...
i know my heart will never be the same,
but i'm telling myself i'll be okay.
even on my weakest days,
i get a little bit stronger //

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Writing Challenge Day 20
I'm doing a 31 day writing challenge, found on the Reverb website, designed to reflect on the past year and look forward to what's to come in 2011.



Beyond Avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?) 

Wah. I feel like I've answered this in a different prompt.
I'm not a big avoider when it comes to getting things done. I'm a huge list-maker. I love to-do lists. Sometimes, I'll add things to to-do lists that I've already done, just so I can cross them off. Don't pretend like you haven't done that. I LOVE the feeling of getting to the end of a long list. It's something that I started in high school for time management. I definitely did it through college. I NEED to do it at work daily, because there are always so many little things to remember... such as:

-PLC's, faculty meetings, English lab/after school tutoring responsibilities, department meetings, parent meetings, days to stay after with students...
-"Miss, will you pre-transfer me to the library tomorrow? In the North?"
-"Miss, can you read this Creative Writing story by the end of the day and give me feedback?"
-"Can I get a copy of all my missing work?"
-Grading. Paperwork. Copies. Lesson plans.
Yea. To-do lists are necessary.

Things I do usually avoid:
-Updating my website. Creating new necklaces. Just lately... mostly because of time.
-Going to doctors. I've gotten over in the past week, since I've been to like 3 different doctors recently. I usually don't get sick!
-Nice boys. I don't mean to. I'm attracted to mean boys who are jerks. If you are a nice boy and I hang out with you, consider yourself lucky. (: It must mean I think you're pretty cool.
-Cleaning my room. I avoid this until Sundays, then I clean after church before I do any work or grading. It's a routine...ha.
-Grocery shopping, unless I can go with someone. I don't like going alone. I get bored.
-Sorting through things to get rid of. I have lots of stuff I don't need. I want to just donate it.
-Playing my guitar. BOO. I need someone nice to help me get better at bar chords. Barre chords. Whichever you prefer.
-Writing. Again, the time issue. If I had no job, I would write all the time. I'm proud of myself for doing this blog, even though sometimes I want to avoid it.
-Organizing purses/wallets. I caaaan't do it. I can never find stuff, but I dread having to clean out my teaching bag or clutch or purse. Maybe it's because I only eat a half a piece of gum at a time, so there are gum pieces usually floating around and sticking to things. You probably didn't need to know that.
-Big cities/going to Chicago to visit my lovely friend Amber. Chicago used to make me nervous, because it's so huge and it's scary to drive there. However, I did go visit for an extended weekend this past summer and loved it.

Day Nineteen: snow day. new necklaces. crepes. healing.

This evening has consisted of the following:
-SNOW DAY!!!!!
-Necklace making
-Grocery shopping
-Singing "Kiss from a Rose" by Seal at the top of our lungs
-Trying to figure out why the internet AND the internet on my phone aren't working
-Updating grades
-Crepes and nutella
-A little guitar

I like list-making. Have you noticed? 

Here are the necklaces I made. I've been loving these big, tribal-looking pendants lately. And bright colors.

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Writing Challenge Day 19
I'm doing a 31 day writing challenge, found on the Reverb website, designed to reflect on the past year and look forward to what's to come in 2011.


Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011? 

I think this is a theme of my life lately. Healing from relationships. Healing from hurtful friendships. Healing from unrealistic expectations of myself.

I haven't been good at healing. I put hurtful feelings aside and pretend to move on... but then there are unresolved issues that inevitably pop back into my life later. Currently, I'm learning to deal with things as they come. Usually this means confronting people to talk and have closure. It might mean cutting off a relationship or friendship that I know isn't right or fair. It's usually easier for things to suck right away than to put it off and try to heal later, like I usually did. It would be like picking off a scab that's been sitting for weeks and almost healed... It's better just to let it heal when the hurt happens.

I'm definitely not a "sudden" healer. I overanalyze and overthink things. It bothers me to know that someone might be mad or upset with me. It bothers me to know that I might not be perfect. I dwell on things. I get hurt easily... because I used to trust easily. I don't anymore. Not that that's necessarily a good thing. I'm a lot more guarded. It's the only way I can protect my heart - being careful who I trust with it. I have trusted certain people who I thought would never hurt me in the ways they did, and I've gotten slapped in the face with it. I'm not proud of that. It's just the truth.

I think the biggest way I'd like to see healing this year is to love myself and not have such high expectations of myself. Know that it's okay to mess up. Love my imperfections. Don't dwell on things. Heal completely from stupid relationships and stupid decisions I've made this year. Ugh.

I don't know if this will make sense, but I think I need healing in the way that I receive love/need to be loved. I am such an "affirmation" person. I like to be told what I'm doing well. I like verbal encouragement. I like getting little notes, texts, and phone calls. Nothing expensive, just thoughtful. That's what I thrive on... but I also realize that it's not only (sometimes) unrealistic, but unhealthy. Now, I think in my close friendships, my friends have learned that I feel love in this way. It's how I show love, too. I love writing letters, getting little gifts together, or anything to show someone I'm thinking about him/her. It's discouraging to me to be in a relationship or friendship when the other person doesn't understand that. It's not their fault, and it's not their responsibility to keep me fulfilled through that type of affirmation... but it's really hard to me to feel okay in those circumstances. So I guess healing in the fact that I should need affirmation to be loved. But maybe it's okay to have those expectations? I just shouldn't need to to feel fulfilled. I should be able to be okay without it.

Day Eighteen: freezing rain. Bachelor. volleyball matches.

Random thoughts about today:
-I'm happy Bachelor is on. I don't care if you judge me.
-It was really great playing volleyball today with some lovely people. (:
-I like tea during my planning hour. A lot. Especially jasmine/passion fruit tea.
-Why do I have no avocados in the house?
-It is raining right now. Freezing rain. Bleh.
-I think I have overplayed Mumford and Sons. I need a new favorite band.
-There are four months until I can get a new iPhone. My home button doesn't work well. :(
-I want my hair to grow out.

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Writing Challenge Day 18
I'm doing a 31 day writing challenge, found on the Reverb website, designed to reflect on the past year and look forward to what's to come in 2011.


Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it? 
There are a lot of things I want to do this year. I guess these are probably similar to things I wanted to do in 2010, but didn't have time/money/motivation/whatever.
1. Take a contemporary/lyrical dance class. I love dance. I am obsessed with "So You Think You Can Dance." NOT Dancing with the Stars. I also kind of want to take another ballroom class.
2. Go do pottery somewhere. Kiln and all.
3. Buy a really nice pair of jeans. Some of these are shallow goals. Oops.
4. Make a list of books I want to read and set a goal number that I'll get through.
I want to do the same with recipes.
5. Join a small group at church. Volunteer.
6. Write a decently long fiction piece just for fun.
7. Make more photo books from trips I've been on.
8. Get rid of stuff that I don't need/use/want. Donate it.
9. Plan a big trip for summer.
10. Buy a ukulele and learn how to play. Write songs. (:

Day Seventeen: Inception confuses me. lessons on resilience. dashboard confessional.

Inception literally makes no sense. I just bought it. I never buy movies, but I liked it a lot in theater. It obviously makes you think. I just feel like I have way more questions than I did the first time. That's probably not true.... but I thought I would understand it more this time.
I just don't get how Cobb and Mal got stuck in limbo for so many years if they weren't using the sedative, because if they died, wouldn't they just wake up? How did they get to limbo in the first place? Whose dream/mind are they in at all the different levels? The person who is "stuck" in that level? How do Cobb and Ellen Page's character get to limbo? Whose projections are all the crazy people who try to kill them throughout the movie? Who is that old man in the beginning/end? Why do the kicks have to be synchronized? And what the heck happens at the very end? Is it a dream?! Is it reality? Ughhh.
Any Inception experts? Help. (:

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Writing Challenge Day 17
I'm doing a 31 day writing challenge, found on the Reverb website, designed to reflect on the past year and look forward to what's to come in 2011.


Lesson Learned. What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward? 

I feel like these prompts are getting repetitive, because I could write similar things for so many of them. Or maybe that's because there are common themes in the things I'm learning about myself. Or maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me something... Maybe that's just the Inception talking. (:

Best thing I learned about myself is that I am resilient. More that I thought I was. I can handle setbacks better than I used to be able to handle them. I never loved change. I liked comfort. In relationships, jobs, classes... but I am starting to embrace change. Even "bad" change. This probably makes no sense to you unless you know a lot about my life.

I'm not needy. I'm pretty independent. I can figure things out on my own, or ask for help if I think I need it. If something crappy happens, I might cry or get angry or fight it... for a while. Then let it go. Resilience. Ability to return to "normal" after being stretched, shaken, challenged...I've learned that I'm getting pretty good at that. I can be put in a pretty awful situation, but still try to figure out what I'm supposed to be learning from it. Sometimes. Sometimes I don't have a clue.


Part of that, I think, is because I'm learning not to get upset about what's out of my control. It helps me get over things faster. I'm also learning to let go of things that aren't good for me. Again...this probably makes no sense unless you really know me. Sorry. It makes sense in my head. (: When I was younger, and something awful happened to me (ie: I got dumped. I got a bad grade. etc.) my mom would tell me that I had one day to be upset and mad about it, then I had to get over it. Well, some things definitely took longer than a day to get over. But the advice helped. You have to learn to move on. If there's nothing you can do to change it, there's no point in dwelling on it. Cry, write angry letters, eat ice cream, and do what you have to do for a day... but then pick up the pieces and get your life back together.

I've also learned that pretending you're over it helps the "moving on" process. Though I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. Sometimes your heart will follow your head's lead. Something I should probably learn in relation to dating.

It reminds me of that song by Dashboard:
I am fairly agile.
I can bend and not break.
I can break and take it with a smile.
And I am so resilient.
I recover quickly.
I'll convince you soon that I am fine.

I miss that band.

Day Sixteen: goat cheese tarts and coffee fudge. my 10 friend types.

Today I made a delicious new meal that my roommate and I adapted from a few different recipes: Goat Cheese and Asparagus Tarts (with lemon) and Chocolate Coffee Fudge. Honestly, the dinner was probably one of the best dinners I ever remember eating, even compared to things I've ordered at restaurants. The whole time we were eating, we just keep talking about how delicious it was. You should REALLY try it. (: The fudge was SUPER quick and easy to make.

Goat Cheese and Asparagus Tarts:
 Bake croissants according to the package. Cook asparagus in 1 inch of water in a frying pan for 3-5 minutes. Sautee spinach and tomato. Once croissants are done, add goat cheese and veggies. Add feta crumbles at top. (We just guessed on amounts for the veggies). In a separate bowl, combine 2 tablespoons olive oil, 1/4 teaspoon salt, 1/2 teaspoon pepper, and 2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice. Stir and then spoon over croissants and veggies. Put everything back in the oven for 8-10 more minutes (until feta starts to melt).

Coffee Chocolate Fudge (half recipe - double ingredients if you wish):
Line 8" x 8" pan with foil. Butter the foil (I know, it sounds gross). In a microwave-safe bowl, combine 1.5 cups chocolate chips (one 12-oz bag), 7 oz condensed milk, 1.5 tablespoons coffee, 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon, a small pinch of salt. Stir. Microwave for 1 minute. Stir until smooth. Add 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract. Put immediately in pan, cover, and refrigerate for 2 hours before eating.
The coffee (if you follow the recipe) is not very noticeable, so I might add 2 or 2.5 tablespoon if you really want the coffee taste. Add 1 cup chopped pecans or walnuts if you wish. I hate nuts in fudge.

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Writing Challenge Day 16
I'm doing a 31 day writing challenge, found on the Reverb website, designed to reflect on the past year and look forward to what's to come in 2011.


Friendship. How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world (or friendship) this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

Hmm. I can't think of one person in particular, but rather my friend group as a whole that has changed my perspective on friendship. Sometimes I think it's weird who stays in your life and who walks out. It seems completely random in some cases. I have a few friends who I wasn't very close with in college, but now we talk all the time. I have some great friends from college who I never speak to. I have people who I have always been consistently close with. It's confusing.
My "friend groups" have taught me that there are multiple friend types. For example:

Group 1: BFF's. The people with whom you feel an instant connection, on many different levels. Maybe it's similar goals, passions, interests, pasts... whatever it is, you connect from the very start and it's a connection that lasts. Many of these people, for me, are ones who don't live in this state, but I still consider them some of my best friends.

Group 2: Fun friends. People that you like to hang out with, but might not talk during the week. They're perfect if you're having a dinner party, game night, whatever... they're entertaining.

Group 3: Dreaming friends. People who have big dreams. Planning people. For me, these friends are people who share my love of travel. We plan trips together. Dream of places to go. Set goals.

Group 4: Re-friends. Friends who you connect with after a period of not talking. I suppose exes could fit into this category, too. Maybe you run into each other after not seeing each other for a while. Maybe it's intentional. Maybe you wonder why you ever lost touch.

Group 5: Tradition friends. Friends who you keep around solely from tradition. Maybe you all frequent the same restaurants or bars on a weekly basis for "catch up" time, but it never goes beyond that. You can have good conversations, but it never seems to make you better friends. Good people. Fun to be around. Stagnant?

Group 6: Artsy friends. Self - explanatory. We write music together, paint, draw, sing... anything creative. It's comfortable working side-by-side on an art project without needing forced conversation.

Group 7: Co-worker friends. They make work so much better. You might not hang out outside of work, but they're sure fun to eat with in the lounge or lead mentor groups with or make pizza dough with. (:

Group 8: Selfish friends. Ones who don't want to talk to you or hang out with you unless something is in it for them. Maybe they call you once a year, and then secretly bring a 20 page paper that they want you to read because they know you worked at a writing center. Not that that's happened to me or anything...

Group 9: Unreliable friends. Friends who constantly want to hang out (AND initiate hanging out), but then "something comes up" constantly. Why do you ask me to hang out if you keep canceling? It's especially frustrating when the cancellation is 10 minutes before proposed hangout time. Ughhh. Weather-related cancellations and certain other situations are excusable, of course. Maybe he was rescuing a puppy or visiting a nursing home.

Group 10: (Boy) friends. This is complicated on many levels. Boyfriends and boy friends. This could include boy friends who are boyfriends but not to you. Boy friends who you find attractive. It's complicated, like I said. Shouldn't there be a combination of the two somehow? Boy friends who are also boyfriends? The complications are when boy friends who think you like them. Or boyfriends who think you don't like them.  Or boy friends who lecture you about flirting with every guy. Not that that's happened to me, or anything...

Day Fifteen: blazers. losing my memory in five minutes. tortilla soup.

There is a sale right now at J Crew. Go immediately and buy some things.
Here are a few things I got:

Okay, see that blazer on the left? Originally $198. Marked down to $70. PLUS 40% off of that. And free shipping! The other blazer was 40% off of $40. Originally something way more expensive. I have been loving wearing blazers lately. The only downside is I can't wear them with jeans to work. These two are knit/jersey blazers, so they're still structured, but more flexible than most "normal" blazers would be. I also bought some other things... Maybe I will do a "J Crew piece a day" post for a while and show you how I wore them.

Random thoughts:
-I don't really enjoy blood work. I boxed a guy out this morning because I went to get some done before school today. It opened at 7 am. I usually get to school at 6:35 or 6:45 am. They don't take appointments. It stressed me out because I knew I would be to school later than I wanted to be... and I knew I needed to be the first one in there. It was probably pretty funny to watch. I was half speedwalking and half running to the door to get there before him. In the snow. With my leggings and booties. No one else in sight.
-I like tortilla soup a lot. I just made some for dinner.
-I have about 200 essays to grade this weekend.
-My birthday is in 6 days!
-I have been wearing this un-hooded sweatshirt (noodie, as my students say...ha) nonstop for like 3 days when I get home from school. It's so comfy.
-My guitar case is sitting in front of my right now. I just brought it back to my house here. I need to play it.
-I need to finish learning Italian.

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Writing Challenge Day 15
I'm doing a 31 day writing challenge, found on the Reverb website, designed to reflect on the past year and look forward to what's to come in 2011.


5 Minutes. Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010. 

Standing at the top of Hurricane Pass in the Grand Tetons. How blue the water was at Lake Louise, Morraine Lake, and Emerald Lake in Canada. Being able to walk to the beach from my house. Friends who visit from far away places. Chopping my hair. Post-conferences teacher hangouts. Being able to teach Creative Writing. Trips to Chicago to visit my BFF. Going sailing. Renting a mansion in Charlevoix for a week. Road trip to Wyoming (the state). Getting mono :( "Last Prom on Earth" for NYE. Chaperoning homecoming. Wednesday night dinners. Fights in my classroom during student teaching. Horse and carriage rides. Stargazing. Having art open houses with Shay. Beating the senior boys in student v. teacher Powderpuff volleyball. Mumford and Sons. New DSLR camera. Good bands at Founders and Holiday. Short Circle/small group at Mars Hill. Break ups. Good dates. Interviewing over the phone in the middle of my backpacking trips. The first day Beth and I moved into our house and the power went out. Taking the lantern to the beach and swinging. Reconnecting with old friends. Selling jewelry at art shows. Lots of new boots. Heartache. Strength. Charlie's cabin/seadooing. Mock Rock. Vegetarian cookbooks and sprout growing. Blasting Arcade Fire in the car. Hiking/hiking/hiking. Painting, Olga's, and lightning bugs at Reed's Lake. Playing games with family at Christmas. 5 year reunion. Candles. Getting caught in a thunder/hail storm on the top of a mountain. Marmots. "Skydiving." Growth. Renewal.


PS:
This is pretty entertaining. It has to do with colors and photography. Try it. (:

Day Fourteen: appreciating alone time. burning out. candles and yoga and ocean sounds.

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Writing Challenge Day 14
I'm doing a 31 day writing challenge, found on the Reverb website, designed to reflect on the past year and look forward to what's to come in 2011.

Appreciate. What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?


Alone time:
Sitting by myself.
Lighting candles.
Listening to ocean waves/spring rain/white noise.
Journaling.
Time with God.
Saying no to plans sometimes.
A Friday night in.
Drinking chai/tea/coffee.
Yoga.
Good workout.
Writing.
Painting.
Creating.
Sweatpants.
No makeup.
Ponytail.


If you knew me in college, you probably knew me as social. I could not function alone. I didn't like the silence or the time to think.

I.
need.
people.

I need affirmation and hugs and friends and good conversations. In college, I had no balance. I didn't say no to plans because I love hanging out with people. New coffee dates. Dinner. Art nights. Cooking together. Anything.

finding time to skateboard (:

In college, I couldn't even study alone. I had to have friends go to Kirkhof or the library or someone's house and we'd sit... with a movie on in the background, good snacks, good music, and conversation. All with our laptops and textbooks and papers spread everywhere. I love this. They are some of the best memories I have from college. Sleepovers in the "penthouse" in the library during exam week. Pulling all-nighters trying to finish a unit plan for Ed 310 or a 20 page Sociology paper. Staying up way too late because we were laying in the grass on blankets stargazing and talking.

presenting at ECWCA (writing center conferences)

Now, I think I'm starting to pull away from that. I'm undecided whether or not I like that. I live far enough away from most of my friends that I only seem them every few weeks. I'm so exhausted from a week of teaching that it's hard for me to fathom making plans on Friday nights. I would rather go to bed at 8. Usually, that doesn't happen... but I have learned to appreciate time alone and time to relax.

Younglife girls!

I am really good at burning myself out. In fact, I would say I'm a pro. I was like that in high school, too. I liked to be involved in everything: sports, musicals, Peer Listening, work, clubs, camps, Younglife, etc. I always got my work done, but I always have stuff after school until at least 6-7 pm. On top of all that, I somehow found time to have fun with friends. I think I was constantly exhausted. I didn't care.

Ballroom dance

I was the same way in college (except not freshman year). I had to balance working at the Writing Center, a full class load, rec sports, working out, being a Younglife leader, being a Campus Ministry student leader, mission trips, small groups, church, Springhill, clubs, my jewelry business, boyfriends, art projects... and I loved every second of it. Honestly. By my 5th year, I think I was ready to move on. Probably because I felt burned out. Now I miss it.




I think if I would have learned, in college, to appreciate alone time and time to relax, I would have been a little happier. Not that I wasn't happy. I was just trying to cram way too much into each day. I see that now. But I don't regret a second of it. I think I fit as much as I could into my college experience, even if I DID burn myself out.

I am getting better at doing things for myself. Finding time to paint. Cramming a yoga session in even when I want to go to bed. Making myself tea during my planning hour. Little things. So I appreciate finding a balance.

But if you called me and asked me to start an art project with you or have a dinner party or come stargaze at 10 pm when the weather's warm... I'm not going to say no. (:

Day Thirteen: backpacking europe. lyrical dance. guitar playing.

i should really be in bed, since i spent a good portion of the afternoon/evening at urgent care and i should be sleeping right now... but i will sleep once i've finished this.

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Writing Challenge Day 13
I'm doing a 31 day writing challenge, found on the Reverb website, designed to reflect on the past year and look forward to what's to come in 2011.

Action. When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step? 

[goal]: backpack through Europe  ---> [action]: finish the 498 page Google Doc that I started (complete with budget information, sample itineraries, popular destinations, and interviews from people who have gone already). i am such a planner. sometimes it bothers me. maybe i just need to go.

[goal]: be better at guitar  ---> [action]: practice. obviously. Lindsey and I are going to this weekend (: i also want to buy my ukulele ASAP.

[goal]:  get a bunny. ---> [action]: research more about animal rescue places. take a trip. buy bunny supplies. get bunny.

[goal]:  read more for fun. ---> [action]: schedule time for reading. make myself do it. buy books on my new e-reader.

[goal]:  (someday) move to California. ---> [action]: visit. research. apply. surf during summers in MI so i'm really good when i move there. (:

[goal]: start a boutique. ---> [action]: meet with GROW. make a plan. sketch logos. find a space. find a rich business man or two to invest/support it.

[goal]: dance.  ---> [action]: look up classes (contemporary/lyrical/modern). sign up. pay. dance. i would be content with finding a guy to ballroom dance with. i miss ballroom.

[goal]:  yoga. ---> [action]: buy a DVD. sign up for a class. use the DVD's i already have.

[goal]: write a book.  ---> [action]: carry a journal around and write down ideas. write in spare time. write any time. that's step one, at least.

[goal]: like more foods.  ---> [action]: try more foods. go to restaurants and order things i wouldn't normally order. cook more with friends. have creative dinner parties.

[goal]: travel to other countries and import goods. meet artisans. hear their stories. sell their goods/jewelry back in the U.S. ---> [action]: get connected with an existing company that does this (10,000 villages). join a group. volunteer. get to other countries somehow.


I think part of my problem is that I have too many things I want to do. Usually, I'll start one project and then switch my focus. For example, I researched dance studios yesterday for about 2 hours. After not finding the classes I really wanted, now I feel like coming back to that stresses me out. I can't explain it. I don't know what else I can find about it, so I'll give up for a while and come back to it later. I hate that I know this about myself. I just need to start one thing and get it done.

Day Twelve: Self image. Homeless men. Living in your heart.

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Writing Challenge Day 12
I'm doing a 31 day writing challenge, found on the Reverb website, designed to reflect on the past year and look forward to what's to come in 2011.


Body Integration. This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

 I don't really like this prompt. Or understand it. But I think my answer to the time I felt most alive this year would also apply to this prompt, so, instead, here are my random thoughts:

Thought #1: What does body integration mean? When I think of the phrase "body integration," I think of

having a
mind, ph
ysical bo
dy, and s
pirit that
are comp
letely ali
gned......

You know what else I think about a lot? How it's so weird that we come into this life and receive these bodies that seem almost completely random.

We can't pick our
(natural) hair color,
skin tone,
height,
eye color
metabolism,
genetic makeup...

but we DO have control over our mental and emotional states. We're just expected to have this thing (body) that we receive completely mesh with how our brain works and who we are inside our bodies. I think there's often a disconnect between how we look and how we WANT to look or WANT to be perceived. The disconnect can cause a lot of pain, frustration, and anger. Let's be honest... people judge based on our bodies. Physical appearances. As shallow as it may be, it's true.

Thought #2: Pros and cons of our bodies. I think human bodies are fascinating. I mean, we breathe and blink without even thinking. How cool is that? Our bodies allow us to run, jump, dance, paint, hug, travel... Our bodies can heal and take care of themselves in incredible ways.
But there are so many things that can go wrong.

Ugly diseases.
Cancer.
Sicknesses.
Broken bones.
Accidents.
The entire aging process.

We are judged on our bodies, whether we like it or not. Our intelligence and kindness is not something that is tangible and visible to the people around us. As we get older, our bodies start to deteriorate, and our minds continue to grow. This doesn't make sense. Shouldn't our bodies and minds grow in conjunction with one another? The dilemma of an aging body and a sharper-than-ever mind leaves one trapped in a body that physically is no longer a reliable, capable, or compatible match for the brilliant mind held hostage inside. That's terrifying.

Thought #3: Disconnect continued / Ted Williams

I read a story online the other day (and you've probably heard this) about a homeless man named Ted Williams claiming he has a "golden voice" and wanting to find a job in radio or voiceovers. Here is a short interview with him.
Like I said, the disconnect between our minds and bodies I think has a lot to do with how others perceive us, not how we see ourselves. If you looked at this man, and judged solely on his appearance, you would not expect his voice to sound like it does in that interview; the man, however, knows that's what his voice sounds like and has no trouble believing in that.
We allow the disconnect into our lives through the input of others. We welcome it, really. We ask people for opinions, advice, feedback, criticisms...and even if we don't ask, they come.
"You could never be a basketball player. You're not tall enough."
"You think you're going to be a TV star with that face?"
"Girls can't be engineers. Pick something else."
"He would never date you. He's way more attractive."

Thought #4: What we control
So height. Gender. Appearance. These are all things we can't control. Determination, passion, confidence.... those things a product of our mind and our spirit. Don't ALLOW the disconnect between your mind and your body. If you make up your mind about something, build a wall to protect against the negativity of others. Make it a strong wall... because those comments will find any way possible to seep through, crawl under your skin, make their way to your bloodstream, make a home in the back of your mind... and then it's almost impossible to get them out of your head.

Thought #5: 
If you're happy with what's inside, that shows on the outside. A simple concept. Work on your internal happiness before obsessing with the things you can't control.
"I live in my heart. So it really doesn't matter where my body lives. If I am happy inside, then I live in paradise, no matter where my residence is."

Oh, by the way. Ted got a job. Here's his first commercial voiceover.
(: