14 steps to getting healthy in a day... ha. admiring people i dislike. lace cardigans.

Thursday and Friday at school were TORTURE. i usually don't get sick, but i got hit with something pretty awful. it's like a cough + horribly stuffy/runny nose + chills + fever + croup.

i only have the weekend to recover, since i can't really take a day off this week (mostly because of PT conferences). this is what i've done: mucinex. chest congestion relief. vapor rub. sauna. inhaler. 2 jacuzzis + candles + magnesium salts. 12 hours of sleep + 2 hour nap. vitamin c. neti pot. tons of water. zinc. tea with honey and lemon. homemade soup. breathing steam. sitting by a vaporizer.

i literally don't think there is anything else i can do to get better haha. but i think it's working... (:

i just spent some time today buying a few things from Target, mostly for spring break. i found some lace cardigans i have been wanting forever.

i got a new phone.

now, i need to grade and get plans set for next week. i feel like watching a movie and relaxing more.

Question: pick a person (or type of person) that you dislike. what do you admire about him/her?

when i first saw this prompt when Mike and i were collecting/brainstorming for prompts, it really made me think. i get along with most people. there are a few people who rub me the wrong way... and lately, i'll tell you.

i'm kind of just picking "type" of person who rubs me the wrong way in order to answer this prompt. usually they are kind of similar... so this isn't about one person in particular.

however, i admire her (or his, but i'll stick with "her" throughout):

-ability to speak her mind and not care what others think
-extreme loyalty to close friends
-confrontation abilities?
-eagerness to speak her mind
-confidence in self and points of view. i don't mean for that to sound negative. i can't think of how to word it. self-assured-ness? ha.

hm. this is hard.

travel. growth.

i need to travel. somewhere. far.

whenever i look at pictures from trips people take (mostly to Europe), i get really jealous and want to go. now. i'm not worried about the money aspect, even though i probably should be... since i should be saving for grad school.

i need to get out of Michigan and see other cultures. i say that like i've never left here. that is far from the truth. i grew up traveling. i've been out of the country many times. i've been to Europe and the Caribbean and Canada (and Hawaii). i've been on cruises. lots of them. i've lived in Spain. i've seen Big Ben, Stonehenge, the Guggenheim, La Sagrada Familia, the London Eye...

i have traveled.

but i can't get enough of it.

sometimes, it just consumes my thoughts. i dream of places i want to go. i stare at maps. i flip through "1000 places to see before you die." i sit in the travel section of Barnes and Noble. i NEED it.

and yes, i am going somewhere in about a month. A MONTH. i'm excited. Vegas and L.A. and Palm Springs. and this summer, i'm flying to Seattle and going hiking up through Canada (Whistler and Vancouver). but for some reason, i want more. something bigger.

but i want a big trip to plan for. backpacking through Europe. a road trip to California. a cruise in the Mediterranean.

it's going to happen.

Question: How have you seen yourself grow in the last year? If you haven't seen growth, how have you withered? 

i think i have grown more than i have withered. ways i have grown:

-in my art. especially jewelry. i look back on some of the first necklaces i ever made, and it's almost embarrassing. haha. my style and work has evolved a lot.

-in my outfit choices. i find myself not wanted to re-wear the same outfit. ever. no, i'm not crazy... but i hate getting stuck in a rut with clothing. i seem to think that more colors go together than most normal people... so i feel like i have such a wide range of options for what to wear. lately, i've been wearing purple and mustard yellow together a lot. and also, coral and teal. and hunter green and tan. it's especially helpful when i have lots of jewelry at my disposal to tie things together. (:

-my boldness.

-confrontations. speaking my mind.

-my food preferences. i always liked different foods, but this year has been much more culturally experimental. Indian, African, Middle Eastern foods... thanks to two new cookbooks. i LOVE cooking food from other cultures.

-my teaching. obviously there is quite the learning curve from student teaching to having your own classroom. i can't wait to go to CKH in April. (:

-my boot collection. ha.

hmm. that's all i can think of for now.

connecting with new friends. explaining scars.

i've had really great conversations with friends and strangers lately.

i like when the conversations go beyond shallow and try to answer the "why."

i know this sounds crazy, but i think people who share the same "love languages" are so much easier to be friends with. if you are a "words of affirmation" person, and you meet someone who also is, i think you will fill each other up and encourage each other well... just naturally. there are certain people you meet who you just connect with. you feel like you've known them for years. you feel comfortable. inspired. at home. it's kind of like if you've lived in a foreign country for years, where everyone speaks Italian... and you finally meet someone who speaks English.

this has been happening to me lately. somehow, i've been meeting people who i just feel SO comfortable with. within minutes of meeting them, we are talking about real things. world problems. struggles. goals. dreams. i love it.

these people just accept you immediately. it's the epitome of what friendship and community should be. these people inspire me to love better. go deeper in relationships.

i love it.

Question: Choose a scar you have. Explain how you got that scar.

i don't have a lot of scars. i heal pretty quickly. i didn't get hurt that much when i was growing up (besides floor burns and bruises from playing volleyball). i have a big scar on the palm of my hand, and i have no idea where it came from. here are two scars that i remember:

1. i have one scar on my knee. when i was in elementary school, i played almost every sport (as did many kids): soccer, volleyball, t-ball/softball, basketball, etc. once, during a softball game, i hit the ball pretty hard when i was up to bat. the guy who was on first was completely in my way as i was running to first. being the competitive person i am, i decided it would be a better idea to jump over him (he was crouched down waiting for the ball). well. i jumped. and completely wiped out. i had gravel and rocks stuck in my skin and got a pretty deep cut on my knee. i honestly don't remember if i got to the base on time or not.

2. i have a scar on my big toe. in college, i went on a mission trip to Sarasota. i worked at a ministry for sailors and also spent time completing a huge mural on the side of the building. after work one day, we had about 15 minutes to change and get ready to go to dinner. we were going to eat at a pretty nice restaurant ON the beach. somehow, i sliced my big toe open on a sharp, broken metal piece of my suitcase while running around to get ready. it would not stop bleeding... at all. i still went to the restaurant (with my toe wrapped in a hundred bandaids). i even went swing dancing in the sand as the sun set. probably a poor choice. we got home and my toe was bleeding through everything... so i had to go to the ER. we waited foreverrr. they cleaned it out and couldn't do stitched because of the way my toe got cut, so they put some skin glue over it. it was quite a night. i think we got home at 3 or 4 am. (:

lists and schedules and jobs without money.

i like making lists. and schedules. and plans.

sometimes it bothers me. sometimes i love it. for example: today, i have my entire day planned out to the hour. often, when i make a schedule like that, i always follow it. the part that bothers me is that i'm not very good at being spontaneous when i have a plan for the day set in my mind. i have NO problem being spontaneous if i have no plans set... but when i have a certain number of things i need to accomplish and places i want to go, i'll do it. i like crossing things off lists.

this might be why i like planning trips so much. researching and writing down where i want to go and what i want to see... planning each day. i love it. on trips, i'm better at being spontaneous because i'm always with other people. i can be flexible if other people are involved.

i also love mornings. i like setting an alarm for the weekend (so i can get stuff done). i got up at 7 today, which isn't THAT early... but it is for a Saturday. (:

question: if money didn't matter, what would you be doing for a living?

well... clearly money is not the reason why most people teach. that would be a boring answer. if i did not have a teaching job, and money didn't matter, i would:

top two:

1. be an importer for goods/crafts/art from third world countries. get to know the people there. live in their lifestyle. come back to the U.S. and sell their goods (giving them the profit back) and educate people on who is making their goods. what life is like for people in Guatemala or Kenya or wherever. host some kind of cultural gatherings for education that would have food, information, and some kind of opportunity for people to provide Kiva loans (or something similar).

2. own a boutique of handmade goods. part of the boutique is an artist work space, where community is encouraged. have "volunteer experts" give workshops on what they know: writing, drawing, painting, whatever. possibly part coffee shop. that's pushing it. but money doesn't matter, remember?!

additionally:

-work for a non-profit.
-be a writer or journalist or lyricist or travel blogger or anything to do with words.
-be a waitress for a short period of time. i think it would be a good experience.
-work on a farm for a summer.
-work at a camp every single summer.
-lead backpacking trips.
-work with some type of youth program / youth group and mentor kids. maybe just be a Younglife leader for life. (:
-do something in sales. people have told me this for a while.
-teach college writing. direct a writing center at said college.

making legwarmers. sprouts. burned fingers.

here's what i learned today: if you eat pistachios before eating pasta, it can reduce the glycemic index of the pasta you eat. also, a serving of pistachios is about 50, while a serving of walnuts is about 7.

i just ate a sandwich. with sprouts. that i grew myself. in the winter. it was amazing. (:

so you know how yesterday, i posted about wanting those legwarmers? i sat with them in my Etsy cart for a while, then decided that i would go thrifting after work today and see if i could find some sweaters and make my own.

i found sweaters. 7 of them. (: i am in the process of creating the legwarmers, but i have to go get my sewing machine out of my trunk... i'll keep you posted on how they turn out.

also... i just burned the crap out of my finger on a hot glue gun. i've had it in cold water for about an hour... and there's a huge blister. owww.

Question: What song or lyrics have really loved you lately? 

Song: A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans
Song: Take Me or Leave Me from Rent

Lyrics: "In Between the Lines" by Sara Bareilles

hippie clothes. trips to Cali. top 10.

i have been obsessively looking at this Etsy website for about an hour now. there are a few things i really want (that are sold out). these are the ones that i loooove. tell me what you think.

top ten:

 

Question: What is something that you really want to do, but just haven't gotten around to it yet? How long have you wanted to do it? What holds you back?

well. one thing i want to do is drive to Cali and back on a giant road trip and stop lots of places along the way.

i don't know how long i've wanted to do it. it's probably been in my soul somehow since i was born. the first time i remember REALLY wanting to do it (and planning to do it, via Google Docs and lots of research) was last summer. i was planning to go with some friends, but a lot of things popped up that prevented our trip from happening, including a job opportunity for me. the timing didn't feel right for us. it does now. i really want it to happen this summer. EVEN THOUGH i'm already going to Cali for spring break. i don't care. my heart is there.

(:

what holds me back is mostly money and friends and schedules. it's hard working all of those things out. 

i can assure you that SOMEDAY in my life... it will happen. hopefully ASAP.

winter beach adventure. moroccan food. family heirlooms.

 while cooking dinner last night, we learned a few things about fava beans:

-they're hard to find in stores.
-they supposedly taste like pinto beans.
-don't buy them dry.
-they take two hours to boil.
-you have to take the outside skin off.

i mentioned yesterday that we made dinner last night (Arabian Pizza from Lebanon and Artichoke Tajin from Morocco). The pizza was delicious. The Tajin was really good, too, minus the dry fava beans. We didn't have time to boil them for the full two hours. Next time, we'll buy the canned version. It was quite an adventure.

like i said, yesterday we also went on a beach adventure. here are some highlights:

Question: Which heirloom that you have inherited from an ancestor means the most to you? If you don't have any, then write about a specific object you remember from your father, mother, grandmother, etc.

Grandma: Vintage cameo pendants that I made into jewelry. I helped her go through some stuff in her house when she was moving, and she gave me quite a bit of her jewelry. I made a couple necklaces (that I won't sell) that I love. Every time I wear them, they remind me of her.

Grandpa: A lot of coins. He gave me a bunch that have holes drilled in them right when I started my jewelry business. We usually got coins for most holidays. He's a coin dealer.

Great-Grandpa: I have this little glass dog statue that I remember getting after my great-grandpa passed away. I was really young, but I still remember almost exactly what his house looked like.

cookbooks and writing letters.

Today is pretty. Lots of sunshine. A good day to walk the .3 miles to the beach and check out the snow/ice there. I haven't gone yet, but I'll probably go at some point today and take some pictures.

If I could encourage you to do one thing today, it would be to go buy a cookbook and make something out of it. Be really picky about the cookbook you buy. Make sure you like most of the things in the cookbook, otherwise you won't ever look at it and it will just sit there. For my birthday, I got a "Classic Vegetarian Cookbook from the Middle East and North Africa." I love it. Literally everything in this cookbook looks amazing. The main ingredients are some of my favorite things: artichokes, avocados, chickpeas, asparagus, pomegranates, eggplant, and lentils.

Tonight, we're making an Arabian Pizza from Lebanon and Artichoke Tajin from Morocco. I'm super excited. I think it's easy to get stuck in a routine with food (especially if you pack your lunch for work). Buying a cookbook will help you to make foods that are unique. I would recommend buying a cookbook that specializes in food from another part of the world. You can easily find a lot of recipes for "American" food online (such as www.food.com, which used to be Recipe Zaar, which I LOVED).

So there is your challenge for today. Buy a cookbook OR look up an interesting recipe and make something different for dinner tonight.

Question: If you could write a letter to anyone, who would it be?

I thought about this question for a while, and I can't come up with a good answer. I think the letter I would write would be a general letter to anyone who would find said letter. How great would it be to be to have a random letter of encouragement show up in your mailbox from some anonymous person?

I used to love writing letters and sending them to people. I think this habit developed because I was generally out of this city/state/country for almost every summer. I would work at camp, or move to Spain, or go on trips... so I got in the habit of writing. I think I'm too lazy now, which is sad. Lazy or busy. Neither are very good excuses, but it's just not on my priority list right now. Maybe I will make it a goal to write at least one letter a month and send it.

smoothies. books. weird moods.

sometimes i get in moods where i am antsy and unsettled and can't focus my attention on one thing at a time. this is one of those times. i get nostalgic and think a lot and it's annoying.

i just found a really sweet crafting blog that has really awesome tutorials. there are quite a few that i want to try, and hopefully will maybe this coming weekend.

bachelor is on. i'm drinking a berry smoothie.

i don't want to pack a lunch tomorrow. bleh.

Question: -What is the best book you’ve read lately? Why is it good? Who would you recommend it to? 

I haven't read all of this book, but I started reading The Shallows by Nicholas Carr. It's mostly about how the internet is completely changing the way we think and function. I see that a lot with middle school and high school ages these days. They're used to really face-paced thinking (clicking back and forth between websites) and having everything at their fingertips. Sometimes it's hard to motivate them to really think about a question and dig deeper in analysis.  

It's good because it's really interesting to think about how our bodies can almost physically change due to the environments in which they are brought up. 

Another completely different book that I've liked recently is Crank by Ellen Hopkins. It's about a girl who is addicted to crystal meth and her struggles that go along with it. I like it because it's not written in traditional "book" style, and it really is a page-turner. I read it in a day. 

I want more time to read! And more money to buy books. I like to write in them. I guess I could go with a library card, too... and no writing.

superbowl and secret hobbies.

i have been so productive in the past few days.

// our house is spotless.
// my entire closet and dressers are color-coded.
// i set aside two huge bags worth of clothes i need to donate or get rid of because i never wear them.
// my "art" room is organized.
// i have made a ton of earrings and headbands.
// i am way ahead on copies and plans for school.
// i have skyped/talked with most of my out-of-town friends.
// i have planned a bit for our Cali trip. i have lots of groceries in the house.
// the last thing i really need to do is update my website.

Question: What is one hobby you have that most people don't know about?


i really don't have a lot of hobbies that people don't know about, i don't think. i like a lot of things. i like to talk about my hobbies. i'm pretty open about them. i like art. writing. travel. photography. painting. sewing. cooking. making jewelry and accessories. yoga. changing my hair... i guess that's a hobby. (:


most people probably don't know that i really like horseback riding. i rode for a good portion of my life. English, not Western, even though i like both. Western is way more laid back. English is kind of snobby and really precise and proper. i used to go to 'riding' camp when i was younger during summers. i did horse shows. i collected Grand Champions. i drew horses constantly. i still have my brushes and curry combs and sweat scrapers and crops and everything at my house. i wanted to own a horse for as long as i can remember.

i like the precision of English riding. i remember for shows, i would have to wear really specific clothing: breeches or jodhpurs, a dark colored top, hair in a braid, etc. i also learned how to plait the manes for shows like this:

 

 

i also secretly like to draw. that's probably not a surprise... especially if you've taken a class with me. my notes are covered in really crazy, abstract doodles. it actually helps me listen. not only do i like drawing, but i love designing tattoos, even though i probably would never, ever think about getting one. so that's something that definitely no one knows. i like to design tattoos. i also like to sketch ideas for clothes i want to make, but that's probably to be expected. (:

craft day. favorite words. being productive.

// Like I said, my friend and I are continuing post- Reverb with random prompts/questions each day. Today: what is your favorite word?

to say: facetious.
to write: jolly? i think. only in cursive though, because i like writing cursive j's and y's and that's the first word i thought of that had both.
in Spanish: bacalao (cod)
symbolic: growth.
when teaching: precursor. i think because i just taught them what that meant.
to sound smart: assimilate. inexorable. not that those are really hard words, but i like using them recently.
to sound like my students: pysch. haha. or 'sike.' they spell it both ways.


So today, I made things. Tortilla soup, lots of copies at work, and accessories. I was going to do a how-to post with the belt, but I already have way too many pictures for this post. (:

I am.

I had my students write "I Am" poems during the first couple weeks of Creative Writing and share them with the class. I was blown away with the emotion and honesty they shared in these poems. Sometimes, when I have time, I love to do the assignments with them, but I didn't get the chance to do the "I Am" this past semester. At least, until now. Here's what mine would be:

I am tired. Of the brokenness, the hurt, and the bitterness.
I am tired of being exhausted and weary.
I am tired of being pulled in too many directions.
I am tired of renting. Of the ugly fern lampshades and beach themes.
I am tired of packing a lunch every night.
I am tired of my selfishness.
I am tired of note-taking and Love and Logic.
I am tired of relationships.
I am tired of being too trusting. I am tired of not being trusting at all.
I am tired of appointments and living by my iPhone.
I am tired of saying I want to do something and not following through.
I am tired of snow and scraping my car off.
I am tired of to-do lists.
I am tired of snapping at the people I care about.
I am tired of shallow friendships and not having the time to invest.
I am tired of anger that builds up and boils over and never settles.
I am tired of needing affirmation in words and actions.
I am tired of wearing boots and scarves.
I am tired of living far away from my friends.
I am tired of early mornings and routines and schedules.
I am tired of pouring myself into my job.
I am tired of organic food being so expensive.
I am tired of not having time. For dance. For yoga. For painting.
I am tired of protecting myself, building up walls, and holding back.
I am tired of being stuck here. In this house. In this state. When my soul is longing to wander.
I am tired of putting on a brave face.
I am tired of being a product of broken trust, fears, and insecurities.



However...
I am covered by God's grace.

I am grateful. To be alive, to be warm, to be loved.
I am grateful for encouraging family and friends who support me.
I am grateful for honesty.
I am grateful for a God who loves and restores me.
I am grateful for motivated students and growth.
I am grateful that I am needed.
I am grateful for Bon Iver and Mumford and Sons.
I am grateful for hazelnut coffee.
I am grateful that I am adored.
I am grateful for nature and creation.
I am grateful for self - expression and the people who understand.
I am grateful for writing. And paint. And cameras.
I am grateful for cookbooks and dinners with friends.
I am grateful for and much-needed "me" time.
I am grateful for guys who still know how to pursue.
I am grateful for transitions, topic sentences, and hooks.
I am grateful for knowledge and continually learning.
I am grateful to know Spanish.
I am grateful for Founders and Bottom 40 and the friends who go along with that.
I am grateful for stargazing, picnics, and sailing.
I am grateful for trusting that God knows what He's doing.
I am grateful for the friends who challenge, encourage, and accept me.
I am grateful that I can pay it forward.
I am grateful that I'm in a position to teach my students to do the same.
I am grateful for late night texts that encourage me.
I am grateful for laughing until I cry. For learning to laugh at myself.
I am grateful for having a trip to plan.
I am grateful that I am loved. Deeply. Fully. Unconditionally.
I am grateful for relationships that haven't worked out and what I've learned from them.
I am grateful that I am known.
I am grateful for crazy outfits and feathers in my hair.
I am grateful that I am a work in progress.
I am grateful I can pour myself into my job.
I am grateful to have a God who covers me with love.
I am grateful to be a product of hope, renewal, and unfailing love.


PS:
I just got a new skirt from JB and Me... and I'm already excited about my outfit for tomorrow.
Mira. (It's really awesome quality because it's from my Mac, but I wanted to show you)
If you work with me, I'm wearing this tomorrow... but don't worry, I just tried it on. I didn't wear it all day. (;

Skirt: JB and Me. Top: Dress from Forever 21. Cardigan: Gap. Necklace: Made myself. (: I haven't worn it yet because it hasn't really matched anything yet.

Day Thirty-One: core story. snow day goals. last reverb. making earrings.

If you have the day off, what are you going to do with your day? Any goals? Just relax? (:

I know it's really bad outside, but I want to go snowshoeing right now.

I might be going to see Rocket to the Moon in L.A. I'm SUPER pumped.

This is the last Reverb questions, meaning I completed the month-long challenge to write (almost) every day. I feel accomplished. As I've mentioned before, my friend and I have a list of questions we created so we can continue writing. It probably won't be daily, but it's good for me to have writing back in my life. Even if it's just blogging. Even if no one reads it. It's good for me, and that's all I really care about. (:

Today, I made a whole bunch of earrings.

---------------
Writing Challenge Day 31
I'm doing a 31 day writing challenge, found on the Reverb website, designed to reflect on the past year and look forward to what's to come in 2011.

Core Story. What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? 

I think my "core story" is pretty complicated, but I feel like most people feel that way. My core story is a combination of my life experiences, goals, dreams, and setbacks. My friends and family are a big part of my core story. The jobs I have, the relationships I've been in, the times I've gotten hurt... all part of my core story.

If I had to narrow it down, I think my core story has more to do with the following:
-travel / adventure
-surrounding myself with the right people
-artistic expression
-faith
-spontaneity and living life to the fullest
-idealism and crazy ideas
-encouragement

I share my core story in a lot of ways. I'm pretty open about some parts of my story, and pretty closed off about others. The biggest way I share my story is just through one-on-one conversations. Although I LOVE hanging out in groups and being social, nothing can replace a really great conversation with one other person. This is why I love coffee dates or lunch dates SO MUCH.

I love hearing about other peoples' "core stories,"  even more than I like talking about my own. I'm a big question asker. Sometimes it's annoying. Sometimes it's too forward. Sometimes it leads to wonderful conversations. I'm better at reading people that I used to be. I'm better at determining whether or not someone is willing to open up. I guess it's because I've had a lot of practice with working at Springhill and as a Younglife leader. Hearing "core stories" was pretty much my job.

If you want to know my "core story," just ask. It might take a few conversations or a lot of hang outs to understand, but I would love to share. At least part of it. And I would love even more to hear yours. (: I feel like every year, I am learning more and more what makes me the way that I am. I feel like my life is a big puzzle, and sometimes, I'll have this epiphany... and make connections to the past and present that explain a lot about my life.

This post was really vague. You'll just have to talk to me if you want me to explain it more. (:

Day Twenty-Nine and Thirty: Blizzards. Pay It Foward. Defining moments. Gifts.

So there's this blizzard coming tomorrow. The newscaster just said the phrase "thundersnow." I didn't know that existed. It must not, because it's underlined in red. Haha. Maybe I won't have school. If I don't have school, I'm definitely cleaning my "art" room. And making guacamole. And painting. And planning lots of lessons. And buying a new book on my Nook.

Yesterday, on the first day of the semester, I introduced a semester-long "project" with my students. They have to find at least one nice thing to do for someone... a random act of kindness. I showed some videos, had them brainstorm their own ideas, and even gave them all a bracelet that says "Commit to Kindness" on it (similar to Livestrong ones). I ordered cards from this website, which students will pass along to the person that they do the nice thing for. That person is supposed to do something kind and continue to pass the card along. Each card will have a tracking number; students can track where their card goes throughout the semester.

I told them I would do it with them. I need to start thinking of some good ideas. Today, one of my students found this really awesome note in her SSR book she checked out that was signed "Pay It Forward." It talked about how we should be more accepting and encouraging to others at school...
how he/she hoped the person reading the note felt loved and inspired, etc. She let me read it. It was precious. We are going to make a bulletin board for our Pay It Forward stuff so we can hang up things like that. (:

We're making our favorite goat cheese dinner. We really need to branch out haha... but it's so delicious. And I forgot my lunch AND my nalgene of water today, so I'm hungry. I tried to microwave a package of ramen in my coffee mug for lunch. It didn't work out so well.


---------------
Writing Challenge Day 29 + 30
I'm doing a 31 day writing challenge, found on the Reverb website, designed to reflect on the past year and look forward to what's to come in 2011.


[Day 29] Defining Moment. Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year. 

My summer. Anywhere after graduating college until starting teaching. Transitions like that are so huge that they are inevitably defining. I feel the same way about the summer between high school and college. There is so much time to contemplate and reflect. It's like you're stuck between two completely different worlds, and you're not ready to let go or leap forward yet. At a certain point, you just have to be prepared to move forward.

In times like these, I distract myself with being busy. Usually that means a job (working at Springhill, usually) or a vacation. This past summer, it was hiking. I overthink. And analyze. And sometimes overplan. Hiking allows me freedom from that.

I think I learn a lot about myself through these "defining moments." It's not necessarily what happens to me, but my response to it. How I handle things. What my next move is. How I use what I have learned in the past to push forward.




[Day 30] Gift. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year? 

Emotional = Affirmation. That I am smart, and that shouldn't scare me. That what I do can sometimes inspire someone. That I am unique. That I can follow my dreams and I have the support of my friends and family, even if I don't have all of their understanding.

Tangible = Cookbooks. Sprouts I can grow myself. Nook. Probably lots of other things.

Day Twenty-Eight: Flowers at work. Impulse plane ticket purchases. CALIFORNIA. Feather hair pictures.

Update #1: Yesterday I bought plane tickets to California. Impulsively. I spent much of last night researching and planning the trip. Here are some highlights of potentials. Most of them are musts.

Hiking in Red Rock. Vegas. Jason's Deli. Palm Springs. Condo. Aerial tram. Picnic at the top of a mountain. L.A. Trips to Newport Beach to surf. Farmer's markets. Frozen yogurt. Kayaking. Winery tours. Disneyland. Sun. Etc.

I seriously CAN'T WAIT. I have always wanted to go to Vegas. I love everything about California. It should work out well.

Update #2: I got flowers sent to me at work today. I love them. I like flowers a lot, I just hate roses or anything that's "normal." So tropical or wildflowers are fantastic. They look like this:

 Update #3: I took a picture of my new hair cut/color/feathers. Finally.

 Update #4: I want to sign up for hot yoga. I think I'm going to.

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Writing Challenge Day 28
I'm doing a 31 day writing challenge, found on the Reverb website, designed to reflect on the past year and look forward to what's to come in 2011.


Achieve. What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.
 
I want to achieve having more "me" time. Really figure out the things I love and things that are important to me. Eliminate things that are unnecessary. "Me" time could mean many things. Time to do art. Time by myself to think and journal. Time spent at the beach relaxing. Time doing yoga. Time to be spontaneous and young and impulsive. Time to buy plane tickets at random. (:

I imagine I will feel [[free]] when I achieve this.

10 things I can do/think in order to feel free:
1. Pierce my nose.
2. Wear outfits that don't match and not care what people think.
3. Leave the house without makeup.
4. Sign up for a dance class or yoga class just because I can.
5. Get rid of any people in my life that are not encouraging or supportive.
6. Sign up to do World Race. (:
7. Do random acts of kindness for people.
8. Go through old stuff and donate it or give it away.
9. Leave my phone at home for a day.
10. Stop making so many to-do lists.

Day Twenty-Seven: Greek food. Roller skating birthday parties. Team Trivia. FEATHERS.

Well. I've been slacking a bit in the postings lately. Since Thursday, I have...

-Gotten the feathers in my hair! I'll post a photo later.
-Organized a volunteer/pay it forward project for my English 3B students.
-Purchased the following: Tzatziki sauce, bruchetta, roasted pine nut hummus, stuffed grape leaves, black bean Morningstar burgers, stuffed chickpea burgers, berries, tabouli, asparagus stuffed cannelloni... maybe I am meant to be Greek? I don't know.
-Fallen on my driveway. Twice.
-Gotten stuck in my driveway for 25 minutes (even with kitty litter and Beth pushing my car ha).
-Photographed a 30th birthday party at a roller rink (with only knowing about two people there). It was such a blast.
-Played guitar (un poquito).
-Drank Milky Way Lattes from Bitterend and French Vanilla coffee from Disneyworld. (:
-Played team trivia with wonderful co-workers.
-Semi-planned our spring break trip. CALI?!

Here is a brief photo summary:

I would like to go snowboarding soon. I have never gone.... or skiing. Or snowshoeing. I need to get on that. Anyone? (:

So my friend and I decided to continue doing Reverb-type questions longer than the 30 days, and we're coming up with a list of questions to answer on a Google Doc. I love it. I love the collaboration and the fact that you have someone else who is going through the same things/prompts that you are, and you can talk about it. I like when we're both on Google Docs and writing to each other back and forth in different colors. (: But the other day, I was thinking of questions that we can add to our list of prompts. Sometimes I get in moods where I just think. And wonder. And analyze. And I can't shut my brain off. This happens especially at night ...but it happened to me the other day when I was thinking of questions. I went to brush my teeth, and I thought of at least 5. I ran downstairs to write them down. Sometimes I wish I could STOP thinking about things. Or at least pause my thinking.

I realized that I'm doing these prompts mostly just to get through them. I'm not taking the time to write something I'm proud of or something that really comes from my heart / soul. There have been maybe two days that I've written something (for these prompts) that I really liked. Maybe that's okay. Maybe I need to write some crap and get through it. Or maybe I need to make more time to write things I like. I don't know the answer to that. When I have my students do free-writing, I tell them just to keep writing and don't stop. Don't think. Then afterward, you can weed through and pull out a line or paragraph that you really like, and go from there. The key part of that is "don't stop." I get frustrated when things aren't perfect, but I don't have time to perfect everything. I guess even if I don't love the writing I'm doing, it's still good for me to write... and it doesn't matter if everything's perfect.

I can say that, but I don't believe it. I hate when I do that. I know the "right thing" to say, but it's not in conjunction with what I believe and what I feel. Ugh.

I guess the one thing to take from this is I've learned that sometimes I need to write, but unrelated to the prompts. I need to write for me. Sometimes I just need to get it down and out of my head, so my brain will stop thinking. Some days, I'll have an idea that I want to write about, but I don't have time to do that AND the prompt writing. Balance. Life is about balance. Which is another thing that I know how to say, but not really to do. Ugh. Sometimes I frustrate myself.

Another thing that I feel like I need to get out of my brain.  Things I miss the most about college:

-Working at the Writing Center. Everything about it. Helping in labs. Having weekly ESL/DSS appointments. Building relationships with frequent "customers." Giving life advice along with writing advice. Kleiner Writing Right Where You Are. Tutoring Athletic Study Tables in writing. Drop-in hours and reading all types of papers. One-on-one consulting with students and having a REAL conversation about his/her paper. Motivated students. Conducting peer workshop groups. Interviewing potential employees. Training the new staff. Planning and presenting PD sessions.
-Creative Writing classes. Classes that did not count toward my major or minor, but I took anyway. In-class workshops. Staying up late to perfect a story that I was really proud of.
-Having time to hang out with friends and study together. Cook together. Go to dances and theater shows and Peppino's and Kleiner at 2 am.
-Sitting with a friend at Panera to share writing (over coffee) that we did. On our own. In our free time. Because we wanted to. Giving feedback.
-Spanish composition courses.
-Freedom to dress and look however you want.
-Organizing poetry/fiction workshops OUTSIDE of class. At someone's apartment. With appetizers and guitars. AND OUR PROFESSOR.
-Meeting people in random places.
-Writing essays. No, I'm not kidding. But do I only like writing essays because I enjoy writing and I'm usually fairly good at it? Would I still love writing if I wasn't good at it? Probably not. This is probably how a lot of my students feel. Do I say I hate math because it doesn't come naturally to me, even though I am pretty good at it? Do we only like the things that at which we excel? Hm.
-Time to go on trips and to warm places.
-Journaling. Going different places on campus to write.
-Presenting at ECWCA/writing conferences. Researching. Putting together presentations. Collaborating.

And from that list, I'm 98% positive that I'm pursuing the best thing for me right now.


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Writing Challenge Day 27
I'm doing a 31 day writing challenge, found on the Reverb website, designed to reflect on the past year and look forward to what's to come in 2011.

Ordinary Joy. Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

Moments where I have felt ordinary joy this year:

-When a student stays after to talk to me for an hour about what college is like (because no one in his family has gone and he wasn't planning on it). The next day, he tells me he started two applications.
-When it's sunny during winter.
-Giving presents on Christmas that I spent a lot of time working on and planning.
-When I visit my family and my dog is SO excited to see me walk in the door.
-Buying something on super clearance that I have wanted for a while.
-Having time to read books (for fun) over break.
-Teaching Creative Writing. Everything about that class. Seeing such amazing improvement in students' writing.
-Spending time with people who understand my crazy need for adventure and travel.
-Deciding to buy patches from places that I've hiked so I can attach them to a daypack. (:
-Compliments from strangers.
-Planning trips/vacations or just staring at maps of the world and dreaming of places to visit.
-Cooking a new recipe (with someone... not as fun alone).
-Stargazing in the summertime.
-Good conversations with co-workers over tea.
-Having a number of people tell me they started "creating" things again partially because of me.
-Great finds at antique stores.
-When I put together an outfit that I've never worn before and REALLY feel like myself.
-Weekends in Chicago.

Day Twenty-Six. Puppy chow. Despicable Me. "Soul food." EXAMS.

We've been cooking up a storm lately at our house. Well, kind of. Yesterday we went to Wild Chef to get some delicious Hibachi (the kind that they cook in front of you). We had to catch rice in our mouths. (: I've only been to a restaurant like that a few times, and it's a lot of fun. You sit by people you don't know. It reminds me of dinners at cruises. I know that's random.


Then last night, we made puppy chow and watched Despicable Me. I didn't really watch, because I was grading English exams. It looked cute though. (: This was the end result of our kitchen after the puppy chow... haha. Note to self: don't use that burner any time soon.



Right now, I am making a Breaded Eggplant bake and watching Tabitha's Salon Takeover. (: The meal is super easy to make.

1. Cut the eggplant and dehydrate it. To dehydrate: cover each side of the slices with salt, put them in a strainer, and let it sit for about 30 minutes. This draws the excess water out and takes the bitter taste out of the eggplant.
2. Cover each slice in flour, then egg yolk, then bread crumbs.
3. Fry the slices in a pan with about 1-2 inches of oil.
4. Cover the bottom of a pan with desired sauce. I'm using a three cheese tomato-based sauce (I added artichokes). If you want, cook some noodles to go along with it.
5. Cook for about 40 minutes at 375.

We'll see how it turns out. I really need the iPhone 4, because these pictures lately are awful, and I'm too lazy to go get my DSLR camera from upstairs. Ha.

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Writing Challenge Day 26
I'm doing a 31 day writing challenge, found on the Reverb website, designed to reflect on the past year and look forward to what's to come in 2011.


Soul Food. What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul? 

 This is a weird question, because I love cooking, but I don't know if I've ever felt like a food has "touched my soul." I'm going to go with memorable foods for the past couple years.

-"poutine" in Jasper, Canada

-Mac and cheese out of a travel mug in the Tetons. That was by far the best meal we had on that entire backpacking trip.

-Farmer's market cider and berry smoothies in Chicago

-Kiwi-strawberry Shave Ice in Hawaii -- post-surfing. That made it even better.

-Olga's pizza snackers... while sitting by the lake and painting. Typical summer activity.

-Bear Paw Bakery breakfast in Canada. Oprah Winfrey goes there. (:

-Tortilla, peanut butter, and honey. Another backpacking staple.

-Adult Grilled Cheese from Marie Catrib's

-Green tea frozen yogurt in San Diego (with raspberries)

-Tortilla espanola in Bilbao, Spain

-Hazelnut coffee from Wolfgang's

-Strawberry sundaes at the "Strawberry Festival" in Plant City, FL

-Goat cheese from Electric Cheetah

-Dessert (Crema catalana) and tapa/pintxo hopping in Barcelona, Spain. I think I ate an oyster or something. Ha.

-Huckleberry ice cream in Yellowstone National Park while watching Old Faithful


I've noticed that I link food to location or people. I couldn't just tell you the food. I had to tell you the restaurant, the place I was when I ate it, or what I was doing. Certain foods remind me of certain memories. For example, if there's a food I ate on a first date with someone... usually if I eat that agan, I think of that person. Not on purpose, but I just associate certain meals with people or places. All of those foods I listed remind me of a specific person that I ate those foods with. Is that weird? Maybe. (:

Day Twenty-Five: hippies and feathers in hair. photos to describe the year.

I don't really feel like writing today.
I have lots of portfolios and exams to grade. I have 438 appointments coming up. I have to-do lists that are gigantic. It's getting hard to keep track of everything.
Hmm let's see. Good things.
-I drank chai today.
-I got some lovely and creative birthday presents from thoughtful co-workers.
-We have a half day on Thursday.
-I'm getting my hair cut/colored this weekend. I'm also getting these put in it:

Photo via Hair by Kayley Heeringa

I have been called a hippie by FOUR different people today. And that's without the feathers in my hair. :( It's fine. I'd prefer "free-spirited" or "artsy," but whatever. (:

When is Glee ever going to be new again?!

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Writing Challenge Day 25
I'm doing a 31 day writing challenge, found on the Reverb website, designed to reflect on the past year and look forward to what's to come in 2011.



Photo – Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where....

I can't pick one. How about five? (:

Some days I like to pretend like I'm a ballerina. It's really because I just love dance in general and wish I was really good at it. Along with dance, I also love weekends in Chicago visiting wonderful friends. This photo reminds me of those two things: dance and travel. Summer days when there is nothing better to do than wander around the city taking photos, buying smoothies from Farmer's Markets, and spending the evening on a rooptop looking down at the city lights below.

I like to read. And learn. I used to pretend like I wasn't very smart... I would make dumb comments and act like I didn't know things. I have learned now to own my intelligence. I take it as a huge compliment when someone tells me they think I'm smart. It makes me proud, because I know I work really hard and I love to learn. I'm not afraid of that now.

This represents the arts to me. I cannot encompass all my "art" loves in one photo, so this represents them all: photography, jewelry, sewing, painting, cooking, etc. I also really like the beach and sunsets. (:

I want a longboard. I love skateboarding and miss it lots in the winter. For some reason, it makes me feel so empowered.

This is an obvious choice. Climbing mountains. I loooveee backpacking, and this past year was filled with trips. This is one of my favorite photos of all time. It just means a lot because I know the hard work and sweat and tiredness it took to get to the top of this pass.

Day Twenty-four: red lipstick. repeat meals. 501 must-visit destinations. the middle of "not okay."

Tonight, I made the same goat cheese and asparagus tart that I made this day. It was still delicious, but I changed a few things. What I learned:
-Fresh tomatoes are way better than canned. Obviously.
-Pesto was not a good addition (I just added it to a corner. Bleh)
-Avocado was a decent addition, especially with the fresh lemon juice/oil mixture.
-Asparagus tastes much better in-season.
-I miss the fudge we made last time for dessert. Haha. /:

Today, I made an appointment to see a chiropractor/masseuse. (: I'm super nervous to go.




I also did a mini-grocery shopping round and picked up a few things. Asparagus. Milk (so I can make chai). Red lipstick. You know, the usual. This is honestly my FIRST lipstick purchase in my entire life. My friend Lindsey said that it's one of the things you have to do before you become a "real" adult. I think I'm now a "real" adult. I'm nervous to wear it... but I think I will to work tomorrow. If I keep everything else neutral, I will be just fiiiine. Right? Right? (: PS I don't always look this angry.




I'm reading this book called 501 Must-Visit Destinations. I love it. It has pictures and descriptions of places around the world and what to do/see in those places. I might try to add one or two places in some upcoming blogs. For today, I would like to go to Monet's Garden at Giverny in France. Mmhmm. Yes, please. I wouldn't mind stopping in Paris or something while I'm over there.






PS: HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my lovely BFF Amber (:


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Writing Challenge Day 24
I'm doing a 31 day writing challenge, found on the Reverb website, designed to reflect on the past year and look forward to what's to come in 2011.


Everything’s OK. What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be okay? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?



// Everything is going to be okay. (I hate this. It's cliche. It's obnoxious. It's what we say when we don't know what to say. I say it, too, but that's not what I want to hear. Just let me be upset or angry. Let me cry my eyes out. I need to be mad. Listen to me. Hug me. I do not need to hear that someday, things are going to be better. I can't fathom that when I'm hurt. I don't want to. I just need to dwell in the everything is not okay and know that it IS okay for me to be there. In everything is not okay. )

// Everything is not okay. (I like this. It's honest. It's real. Life is hard. People are confusing. I've gotten good at putting on a good "performance" of happiness and joy. We are humans. We have real emotion. Tough problems. Bad relationships. Everything is not okay most of the time. But that's okay.)

It's hard to pick out just one moment that serves as proof that everything is going to be okay.

The day you wake up and that dull ache in your heart has disappeared.
Or maybe the day you can look yourself in the mirror convinced that you are beautiful and worthy.
Or day you delete his phone number.
The day you stand up to someone who really hurt you.
The day you plan a trip halfway across the country because it's the one thing that you can look forward to: an escape.
The day you decide on grad school.
The day you realize you really mean your response to someone asking how you are ("good").
The day you trust someone to tell them about the junk in your life and know they will listen.
The day you write an angry letter to someone who hurt you... then rip it up and never show them.
The day you climb to the top of a huge mountain. Your legs are burning and shaking and sweat is dripping down your to your neck and drenching your shirt... but you reach the top and look down at where you came from and contemplate the struggle it took for you to get where you are. That's when you know everything is going to be okay. Because it always is.

I don't know what I used "you" in all those examples. "I" seemed too personal. Maybe the day I know everything is going to be okay is when I can use "I" in those statements without feeling exposed and vulnerable and awkward.



Maybe in the middle of everything is not okay isn't a bad place to be. It's what actually makes me the strongest. It builds character. It teaches me lessons. It shows me who my good friends are. It shows me who I am, by how I react to stressful situations and react when everything is not okay. It forces me to move on, whether I'm ready or not. Life goes on without us. Work doesn't care if things are "okay" or not in our lives; we're still expected to perform.

Everything is not okay is when the world is whispering to me, "Drag yourself out of bed, get ready, and smile. It's what is expected of you. It's "not okay" that you messed up so badly, or that he really hurt you, or that she said those awful things to you... but there's nothing you can do to change that. Just focus on yourself. You can only control your attitude and how you react to everything is not okay. Fine. Dwell on it for a while, but realize that you're learning something from this. Come on. Get up. Everyone's waiting. Everything will be okay."

I hate that.